Monday, March 31, 2014

I haven't blogged in a while, life has been insanely busy. School and work and J just take up every second of my day, until I just fall into bed at the end of day too tired to even open my computer. But lately I just feel like I'm bottling everything up, keeping everything stuffed into this space in my heart and mind until it starts to leak out into every aspect of my life. That's what is happening at this point. It's just leaking into everything else. I'm angry all the time, over everything. I am fine at work, where I can focus all of my energy on my tasks and just deal with what needs to be done. But once I get home, my mellow mood sours by the minute. Until I'm snapping at everything anyone says to me, picking stupid fights on Facebook with people who, in the grand scheme of things, don't affect me or my life in any way. Until my stomach is in knots and a lump of tears I am too stubborn to shed sits in my chest and throat. And then I can't even remember what I got so angry about in the first place. I hate it. I get angry until I am angry to the point of tears. Ever just get SO enraged and frustrated that you are past yelling or going off, and all you can think to do is cry? Yeah, it's not fun.

This is who I used to be. This moody, emotional, insecure and angry person who lashes out at everyone and pushes away the people I love. Who shuts down and convinces myself that I don't need anyone, and that trusting people is stupid. I fought so hard to overcome all of that, to become a happy, confident, driven person determined to keep my life in a forward motion. But right now I seem to be stuck. The difference between then and now is that now, I see it clearly. I see what I'm doing, I see how I'm acting and how I'm alienating those around me. Yet I can't seem to stop and get a hold of myself. I tell myself to get a grip, but it doesn't seem to be happening. For the past week I've been trying to pinpoint exactly why I was just so pissed and why I felt like my heart hurt and like if I stopped all I have to do for just one minute to breath and think, everything will come tumbling down. I could not figure out what was wrong with me. Then I was looking at some article about the stages of grief, and it occurred to me.

I'm hitting this wall of pure anger and grief, and unfortunately, it's not only normal for birth mothers, but common. Most days I feel like the anger will just swallow me whole, like if I let the tears start, they'll never stop. 

Now I'm a normally very put together and private person. I don't cry, I don't sweat the small stuff. I don't call my friends or B's mommy and just vomit my problems all over the place. I am usually good. But last night things seemed to come to a head. I got into a few arguments on Facebook that were so petty. Yes, I had a right to be upset, but normally I wouldn't have been. Then I tried to just go out to the movies with my sister and forget all of it. We were sitting in the parking lot and tears just started falling, and I couldn't make them stop. I could feel that hard, aching lump in my throat that told me a full on sob fest was trying to break it's way out. My sister told me to just break down, that it was okay, and she'd seen people cry before. That I didn't have to hold it in just because she was sitting there. And she's right, letting it out would help. But I couldn't. I just sat there, an occasional tear slipping down my cheek despite my efforts to stop it, swallowing that lump in my throat and doing all I could to keep from turning into a sobbing, blubbering mess. 

Maybe I should have let it out. Maybe I need a good cry... and maybe holding it in just makes things worse. But right now I just can't. Sometimes anger is just easier. I know, I really should just get it together. 

But I miss him. Oh man, do I miss that little guy. I miss him every second of my day, until all I can think about is holding and kissing him. Until I convince myself that this will never feel okay. I sometimes am unsure how to mourn this. I don't know how to mourn a child that is still very much here. I mean, he didn't die, he's still alive, healthy and beautiful. I still get to see him and get pictures and be a part of his childhood. So how do I mourn this sense of loss? How do I grieve when everyone thinks I'm fine? 

And why the hell am I suddenly in this ocean of grief when for months I've been okay? Sure I missed him, thought about him, love him. But up until lately, I was in a good spot. Right now, I feel like I've taken two steps back. People think I need to move on, but I don't know how. 

So many things are happening. He's learning to crawl, starting to babble and learn to talk, will soon learn to walk. I'm missing all of it. His mommy is amazing enough to send me pictures, to send videos of new cute things he's doing. But it's not the same. And it makes me ache to witness it first hand. And I have to face the reality that I can't, and never will. That there are areas of his life and his world I will never be welcome in. That fact hurts so badly, sometimes I can hardly breath.

Maybe what scares me is that soon, it will be done. I mean, yes I've already signed the papers and he's been theirs for a while. But soon it will be final. A judge will sign the paper, and the baby I gave birth to will be gone. He will no longer share my last name, and I will be erased from his birth certificate like I was never there. I will no longer be his mother in any sense of the word. It will be as though I never existed in that sense. And for some reason, it kills me. I know he was meant to be where he is, that D is his mommy and J is his daddy and that's a GOOD thing. A beautiful thing. But it doesn't mean this doesn't hurt. 

And right now, I don't enjoy this birth mother thing. I don't enjoy it one bit.