Today is one of those days where the good is incredibly intertwined with the bad. I got to wake up to my sweet little J, spend all day with him, and have a lot of fun. It's amazing how much of a little personality he has, and how big he's getting. He had such a good time, and I just enjoyed being with him. I hadn't really had time to think about the fact that B is 9 months old today, until I saw the monthly update on facebook. Normally, I love seeing it, and it's the best day of the month for me. Today, instant tears. I had to walk away from a birthday party because I couldn't hold them back and I didn't want anyone to see it. I had a very selfish moment and just cried over the fact that I don't have him, and that I couldn't hold and kiss him today.
Then I went back to the party and enjoyed J. After we got home from the party he was feverish and I had no medicine or way to get medicine, so I had to take him back to his guardians. He cried when I dropped him off, and the only way I could calm him was to tuck him in myself and sit with him for a few minutes. It broke my heart... I just wanted to tell them I changed my mind and bring him back home. It killed me that I couldn't.
I just miss him so much. I know that I'm moving forward, and doing a lot to improve my life, and his life. But I just want to get there now so that I can get him back and show him that I love him. Be there to tuck him in every night, and feed him breakfast every morning... not just every third weekend of the month. I just keep telling myself there is light at the end of the tunnel. And try like hell to believe it.