Friday, February 14, 2014

Sometimes when I think that things are where they need to be, where I can see myself moving forward, something stops me. Without fail, some sort of obstacle is slammed down in my path. B's birth father contacted me recently. I haven't heard from him since I was 6 weeks pregnant, and he never wanted any involvement. But suddenly, there was an email from him, asking me how I was, asking about "the baby". I told him I'd had a little boy and placed him. Part of me expected him to be mad, but all he said was "you do what you have to do, I guess". He couldn't have cared less. And it made me so mad, and it hurt. How could he NOT care about this baby, his flesh and blood? How can you have a child out in the world and not have a desire to know them.

I don't get it, not one single bit.

He has far more children than necessary, and doesn't see any of them. Not even the ones he had with his ex-wife. Part of me feels sorry for him. His life has got to be empty. To be his age, with no real love in his life. He got married again apparently, has a child even younger than B. But I don't think he even loves his wife truly. Or he wouldn't have contacted me wanting to get together. He wouldn't be completely dismissing her feelings by behaving this way. He is such a jerk, and I just want to throat punch him. I thought I would be glad if he contacted me again... but it makes me sick. I want nothing more than for him to just go away and never come back. I don't need him, I have far higher standards now. B doesn't need him, he has a daddy who loves him, and is the kind of father he could never hope to be. 

But he's an obstacle. He takes me back to my past so quickly, the kind of person I used to be, the lifestyle I was living. I'm so thankful I'm not that person anymore, but I still feel like I could be if I'm not careful. All I want is to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am. I'm not there yet. But I really hope that someday I get there


  1. You'll get there. It's a cha-cha and you're leading the steps. ♥