Thursday, February 20, 2014

J's guardians took me to dinner tonight to "catch up". I had a feeling when they arranged it a few days ago that something was up. We barely talk about anything other than J, and haven't gotten together for dinner since before they took guardianship. I tried to tell myself there were no motives there, but I knew. For the first half of dinner, they didn't bring anything up, things were casual, and I guess I kind of started to feel at ease, let my guard down. And then they just dropped the bomb on me out of nowhere. They want to adopt him, and they want to work with me toward that goal. They want to "help" me make that choice, if I just tell them what I "want". I nearly burst into tears on the spot, I had to fight hard to keep from crying. With all the claims that they understood it was temporary, that they wanted us to be reunited soon, how they can see how much I love him and he loves me. All complete bs. I was honest with them from day 1, it's always been my intention to take him back within the next 6 months. They knew that, I have stressed that repeatedly. Even put my foot down with him calling them mom and dad. 

Yet they want to take him from me. They want to slap their last name on him like he's some shiny new toy instead of a human being. They want me to sign those disgustingly cold papers again, watch another child slip through my fingers. Just because I was able to peacefully place B, they somehow think it's the same thing. It's not even close. I didn't even know what to say, how to respond to that. How can they want to separate us? They see how he cries for me when I leave, how he begs every time I see him to come home with me. How he lights up and jumps into my arms the instant I come in the door. How can they possibly feel good about coming between that? He is mine. No papers, adoption or otherwise, are going to change the fact that he is MY son. I carried him for nine months, I gave birth to him, I woke up for all those nightly feedings and soothed him when he was sick. Raised him for nearly four years on my own. He. Is. Mine. I'm not being some sort of territorial jerk, or trying to minimize that they love him. But they're fools if they think a set of documents and a signature from a judge is going to make him their son. He will NEVER look at her the way he does me, never cry for her when he's sick. Beg to leave me to go with her. 

She will never truly be his mother. 

So why are they doing this? They aren't stupid, they know they can fight me and possibly win. Especially with their high priced attorney. But why do that to me, to J? I can't and won't agree to this right now, I won't lie to make them feel better and say I'll place him. Because I don't think I can. I don't think I would survive it. He is my whole life, the best thing in my world. I can't hand him over to them, no matter how much they may want it. Losing him would kill me, and I truly don't think I could make it through it. I am STILL grieving B's placement. I still have moments where it hits like a ton of bricks, four and a half months after placement. It still hurts. And I can't imagine how that grief would be multiplied by placing J. His guardian/foster father says I may have to put myself aside and be the selfless, strong person I've proven myself to be. WHY??? Why do I have to prove that again, why do I have to make everyone else happy at my own expense? How dare he even say that to me?! Are they thinking about his best interest? Are they realizing he's almost 4 years old, not 4 months old. Are they considering the pain he would go through being away from me permanently? Of course not, they are too busy worrying about what they want to consider the little boy they will hurt in the process. They have some insane notion it will be like it is with B's placement, but it just won't. B doesn't know I'm his birth mother, that I was his mother for the first half of his life. He knows D. He reaches and cries for her, grins when he sees her face. She is mommy in his eyes, and J is daddy. That's all he'll ever know. J isn't the same, he knows I'm mommy. And this would devastate him.

I need to be his mommy. My life feels empty without him. Maybe that makes me selfish, but it's the absolute truth

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