Thursday, January 2, 2014

Tonight I'm finding it hard to accept the whole "everything happens for a reason". I am just not sure I believe that at this point in my life, because it just makes no sense. I've done what I'm supposed to do. I'm in college, making good grades. I stopped drinking, smoking, cursing. I'm doing all I can to keep myself pure so I can go to the temple. I even gave up coffee. 

And for what? It doesn't keep bad things from happening. 

I thought things were supposed to get and stay better when I started following Heavenly Father and living a life that pleased Him. Then why am I where I am right now? What I hate most is the pretending. The acting like I'm okay, when I literally feel like I am breaking into pieces. I want to stay strong, for Jack, for B. I want them to be proud of me and who I am, of who I become. How can they be proud when I'm broken? I'm keeping up with school despite this, but honestly I'm on auto pilot. I am afraid to show any of it. I have so many fears of what will happen if I let the people I love see. Will I lose the few close friends I have made in the past few months? Will I lose my closeness with D and J? Will I be less in their eyes? 

While logically, I know the people listed above aren't like that, the fear is there. Part of me thinks shutting them out is the answer. But part of me knows I'd be lost without them. Not completely lost of course, Heavenly Father will always be the One who guides me. But I would be a bit lost without them in my life. It's not so easy, being "teflon", and not letting anyone see. Especially when you have grown to love people, and trust them. When you know that there's such a large possibility that if you just tell them, that they'll love you just as much, support you, be a shoulder to cry on or an ear when you need it. 

So what is stopping me? I really wish I knew.

1 comment:

  1. Courtney,
    You will always have me and Jenna no matter what happens.. We are the 3 amigos, with you squished between us so that we can catch you every time you fall..