Sunday, January 19, 2014

Adoption is Amazing

Tonight I was reminded how grief in placement can be so consuming. Sometimes, it's hard to see past grief to the blessing that adoption is for a birth mother. I absolutely get it, I understand how the haze of grief you are in after placing can be all you focus on, and how hard it can be to see past it. Placing a child that you have carried beneath your heart for nine months, parented or not parented afterward, and love more than life... it's a crushing pain unlike any other. We are hardwired to love these tiny human beings from the moment we see them, hold them, smell their sweet baby smell. To love them even before then, when we first hear that beautiful heartbeat and feel those tiny hands and feet moving within us. Taking that little life you created, and placing them in the arms of the another woman to love, nurture, and raise... oh it is so painful.

But it is also beautiful, amazing, life changing. I have said before that I never truly realized how MUCH I loved B, until I realized he wasn't going to be mine forever. Adoption shows a birth mother how much they can love another.

I can't say I understand the anger and hurt that some other birth mothers feel. Because I don't. I truly don't know what it's like to regret my decision, to be angry at the adoptive parents and want to take that baby back. Don't get me wrong, there are many days and nights that I would love nothing more than to have B with me. To hug and kiss him, to bathe him and rock him to sleep and be his mommy again. But I still don't know what it's like to change my mind. It has to be so hard. I can only imagine. But I will never understand it. 

I am blessed beyond measure in B's parents. I can turn to them for anything, text D whenever I'm hurting or lonely or struggling. And without fail, she is there for me. J and I aren't super close like D and I are, but I never doubt that he loves me and supports me. We just have healthy boundaries there because I have always felt it's best to have those with another woman's husband. I care deeply for both of them, and I know they care for me. I see all the time birth mothers who have not had this experience. Who had promises made to them that went ignored, children they haven't seen in years after thinking they would see them yearly or more. I see the pain of birth mothers who are cut out of their children's lives without a second thought. I have wondered often... do the aparents forget the pain of loss? The emptiness that comes with not having the baby you conceived? How can they so callously rob not only the birth mother of the chance to watch her birth child grow... but rob their child of the chance to know and understand where they come from? 

I see this, and I thank God daily. I thank Him that He created this family just for B, that He led me to the very people that He created B for. I am thankful every day that I get the chance to see my little B grow and be so incredibly loved. Sometimes, I have such a hard time being away from him. Despite monthly visits, when I hit that three week or so mark of not seeing him, it starts to hurt a bit. I start to feel a sense of sadness when I see pictures, despite being glad to see them. But, I am able to hold onto the fact that I WILL see him again. Likely soon. For that, I am lucky. 

I guess my point here is... I just love adoption. I love my adoption, I love B, and I love his parents. And it's wonderful to have that.

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