Monday, January 27, 2014

Grief has been creeping up on me lately. Even more so tonight than usual. I had a dream the other night, that I called D and demanded she bring my baby to me with his bag. She cried on the phone when I said it, but she brought him. And then he was mine again, even though I knew even in my dream that it was only temporary. I laid next to him and cuddled with him, talked to him and told him I loved him. But he was crying for D, and I knew I had to give him back. I woke up so sad, and feeling so empty. Tonight, or this morning since it's after 4 a.m, I'm losing something precious. I don't know how I know it for sure, but I do. And it makes the absence of my boys so much more... apparent. I feel it so much more than usual. My life feels empty without them. I said out loud the words that I have never said to anyone, myself included. I want him back. I want B back so badly I can hardly take it right now. I want to call D and demand she bring me my son, and I want to hold him and kiss him and feel the way things felt when he was mine. Nothing feels right, and I don't understand it. I don't get why suddenly this dark cloud is looming over me, sucking the life out of me. I'm supposed to be moving forward with my life, making something better out of it. Instead I can feel myself being dragged back into the abyss that I was in before I decided to change everything. I can feel that anger pressing in, and I just want to lash out. At everyone. I try to reassure myself that it's just because I haven't taken my antidepressant in nearly two weeks. Maybe that really is it. Maybe I just need to medicate myself back into my previous optimistic state. Or maybe I'm sad because I realize that medication was all that was keeping me happy. I still know B is where he should be. I still know I chose right. I still love J and D. But it isn't making anything okay at this point. Everything just feels wrong.

Kids are supposed to be the one thing you have that you know you did right. But instead, my kids are just another area where I failed miserably. Even the child I didn't place is living somewhere else. And I have to be the jerk that tells him no every time he asks to come home. 

I think about how things will be better once I finish school. Get a better job. Find the man I'm supposed to be with and have another baby. But seriously, who the hell am I kidding? Even now, I can't imagine that being enough. I can't imagine feeling whole again. And I can't say any of it out loud, for fear of not being the new me everyone seems to love. I want to scream in their face and tell them I'm not okay. But instead I shove it down until I nearly choke on it, and put up the front they all want to see. 

I feel like I'm drowning, and I can't stand it. I just want to feel good about my life, but I don't know how to get there. I just feel lost.

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