Monday, January 27, 2014

Grief has been creeping up on me lately. Even more so tonight than usual. I had a dream the other night, that I called D and demanded she bring my baby to me with his bag. She cried on the phone when I said it, but she brought him. And then he was mine again, even though I knew even in my dream that it was only temporary. I laid next to him and cuddled with him, talked to him and told him I loved him. But he was crying for D, and I knew I had to give him back. I woke up so sad, and feeling so empty. Tonight, or this morning since it's after 4 a.m, I'm losing something precious. I don't know how I know it for sure, but I do. And it makes the absence of my boys so much more... apparent. I feel it so much more than usual. My life feels empty without them. I said out loud the words that I have never said to anyone, myself included. I want him back. I want B back so badly I can hardly take it right now. I want to call D and demand she bring me my son, and I want to hold him and kiss him and feel the way things felt when he was mine. Nothing feels right, and I don't understand it. I don't get why suddenly this dark cloud is looming over me, sucking the life out of me. I'm supposed to be moving forward with my life, making something better out of it. Instead I can feel myself being dragged back into the abyss that I was in before I decided to change everything. I can feel that anger pressing in, and I just want to lash out. At everyone. I try to reassure myself that it's just because I haven't taken my antidepressant in nearly two weeks. Maybe that really is it. Maybe I just need to medicate myself back into my previous optimistic state. Or maybe I'm sad because I realize that medication was all that was keeping me happy. I still know B is where he should be. I still know I chose right. I still love J and D. But it isn't making anything okay at this point. Everything just feels wrong.

Kids are supposed to be the one thing you have that you know you did right. But instead, my kids are just another area where I failed miserably. Even the child I didn't place is living somewhere else. And I have to be the jerk that tells him no every time he asks to come home. 

I think about how things will be better once I finish school. Get a better job. Find the man I'm supposed to be with and have another baby. But seriously, who the hell am I kidding? Even now, I can't imagine that being enough. I can't imagine feeling whole again. And I can't say any of it out loud, for fear of not being the new me everyone seems to love. I want to scream in their face and tell them I'm not okay. But instead I shove it down until I nearly choke on it, and put up the front they all want to see. 

I feel like I'm drowning, and I can't stand it. I just want to feel good about my life, but I don't know how to get there. I just feel lost.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Adoption is Amazing

Tonight I was reminded how grief in placement can be so consuming. Sometimes, it's hard to see past grief to the blessing that adoption is for a birth mother. I absolutely get it, I understand how the haze of grief you are in after placing can be all you focus on, and how hard it can be to see past it. Placing a child that you have carried beneath your heart for nine months, parented or not parented afterward, and love more than life... it's a crushing pain unlike any other. We are hardwired to love these tiny human beings from the moment we see them, hold them, smell their sweet baby smell. To love them even before then, when we first hear that beautiful heartbeat and feel those tiny hands and feet moving within us. Taking that little life you created, and placing them in the arms of the another woman to love, nurture, and raise... oh it is so painful.

But it is also beautiful, amazing, life changing. I have said before that I never truly realized how MUCH I loved B, until I realized he wasn't going to be mine forever. Adoption shows a birth mother how much they can love another.

I can't say I understand the anger and hurt that some other birth mothers feel. Because I don't. I truly don't know what it's like to regret my decision, to be angry at the adoptive parents and want to take that baby back. Don't get me wrong, there are many days and nights that I would love nothing more than to have B with me. To hug and kiss him, to bathe him and rock him to sleep and be his mommy again. But I still don't know what it's like to change my mind. It has to be so hard. I can only imagine. But I will never understand it. 

I am blessed beyond measure in B's parents. I can turn to them for anything, text D whenever I'm hurting or lonely or struggling. And without fail, she is there for me. J and I aren't super close like D and I are, but I never doubt that he loves me and supports me. We just have healthy boundaries there because I have always felt it's best to have those with another woman's husband. I care deeply for both of them, and I know they care for me. I see all the time birth mothers who have not had this experience. Who had promises made to them that went ignored, children they haven't seen in years after thinking they would see them yearly or more. I see the pain of birth mothers who are cut out of their children's lives without a second thought. I have wondered often... do the aparents forget the pain of loss? The emptiness that comes with not having the baby you conceived? How can they so callously rob not only the birth mother of the chance to watch her birth child grow... but rob their child of the chance to know and understand where they come from? 

I see this, and I thank God daily. I thank Him that He created this family just for B, that He led me to the very people that He created B for. I am thankful every day that I get the chance to see my little B grow and be so incredibly loved. Sometimes, I have such a hard time being away from him. Despite monthly visits, when I hit that three week or so mark of not seeing him, it starts to hurt a bit. I start to feel a sense of sadness when I see pictures, despite being glad to see them. But, I am able to hold onto the fact that I WILL see him again. Likely soon. For that, I am lucky. 

I guess my point here is... I just love adoption. I love my adoption, I love B, and I love his parents. And it's wonderful to have that.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

It's been three months today since I placed. I think back to that day and it seems crazy to me that it's already been three months. It feels like yesterday. I continue to be so thankful that D and J include me in their lives, and in B's life. They have calmed my deepest fears by keeping their word. D is always happy to send a pic if I ask, but I rarely have to. I am able to see pics of him weekly, sometimes more.  I see him a lot, and they always make time for a visit if possible. I am able to watch him grow and see what a happy baby he is.

I know that I am so blessed in my adoptive couple. God heard me and knew the kind of people B and I needed. For that I am incredibly grateful.

Even though, as my first couple of entries show, I have my bad days where I wonder how I will make it through his whole childhood without him, most are good. Most days I have peace and clarity, and am thankful God gave me the strength to put our child's needs before my own. Thankful that I was able to stop the hurting J and D felt without a child. That feels good to me, and I'm blessed to be a part of it. 

I don't delude myself into thinking it won't hurt a lot as the years pass. But I also know it could be worse. And I thank God, and B's parents, for the blessings of being able to provide better for our son, and still watch him grow.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Tonight I'm finding it hard to accept the whole "everything happens for a reason". I am just not sure I believe that at this point in my life, because it just makes no sense. I've done what I'm supposed to do. I'm in college, making good grades. I stopped drinking, smoking, cursing. I'm doing all I can to keep myself pure so I can go to the temple. I even gave up coffee. 

And for what? It doesn't keep bad things from happening. 

I thought things were supposed to get and stay better when I started following Heavenly Father and living a life that pleased Him. Then why am I where I am right now? What I hate most is the pretending. The acting like I'm okay, when I literally feel like I am breaking into pieces. I want to stay strong, for Jack, for B. I want them to be proud of me and who I am, of who I become. How can they be proud when I'm broken? I'm keeping up with school despite this, but honestly I'm on auto pilot. I am afraid to show any of it. I have so many fears of what will happen if I let the people I love see. Will I lose the few close friends I have made in the past few months? Will I lose my closeness with D and J? Will I be less in their eyes? 

While logically, I know the people listed above aren't like that, the fear is there. Part of me thinks shutting them out is the answer. But part of me knows I'd be lost without them. Not completely lost of course, Heavenly Father will always be the One who guides me. But I would be a bit lost without them in my life. It's not so easy, being "teflon", and not letting anyone see. Especially when you have grown to love people, and trust them. When you know that there's such a large possibility that if you just tell them, that they'll love you just as much, support you, be a shoulder to cry on or an ear when you need it. 

So what is stopping me? I really wish I knew.