Thursday, December 26, 2013

Today it is the day after one of the hardest days of my life. My eyes are still slightly red and swollen from the plentiful tears that I cried. My body is still tired from all the emotions that overwhelmed me. But, it's a beautiful day, and the sun is out. The dark cloud from yesterday seems to have lifted, and I feel okay. Peace in my decision is still very much intact, and today, I am thankful for my choice. It's funny how grief works. One day, you are okay, the next you can barely get out of bed. And the day after that, the storm passes as quickly as it began. 

I am learning that you just have to feel the pain. Let yourself scream, cry, vent. I let myself break down yesterday. I keep it together so often, remembering why I made my choice, what good people his mommy and daddy are. But yesterday, I gave myself permission to hurt.

And I didn't try to hide it. Often times if I miss him, while I will say so, I don't talk about it. I don't want to make D sad by posting status updates about missing B. I feel it, but I keep it to myself. But yesterday, I didn't hide at all. I posted that status update about sobbing in my bed. I was honest about spending hours lying in the dark of my room just sobbing, dozing, hurting as I missed our baby's first Christmas. I was unashamed of my grief, and I let people see it. And you know what? They understood. They supported me. They gave me words of love and encouragement.

I didn't answer D's Merry Christmas picture for a while. I let it sit in my text inbox, unanswered and ignored for most of the day. I didn't have it in me to be cheerful about how cute he looked with a stocking twice his size. But, eventually, I managed to return the Merry Christmas. She knew I was having a bad day. She didn't judge me for it, or take it personally. And then, she and J reached out. She didn't have to, that was her first Christmas with her baby, her first as a mother. Probably one of the best days of her life. And she took time to reach out. To post to my timeline that she loved me. To text me last night thanking me for B, letting me know they loved me. And in that moment, I cried. But not out of grief. Out of love for these amazing people God put in my life. In that moment, I knew without a shadow of a doubt that even in the pain I was feeling yesterday, I would do it again.

I would sign those papers again without hesitation, regardless of the pain it caused me. These were the people meant to raise and love and parent my B. And that text just proved it. I am blessed beyond anything I hoped for in J and D. They accept my heartache, anger, grief. D isn't just there for me as B's birth mother. She is a friend whenever I need it. When something is going well, she's the first one I text. When things go wrong, she's a huge supporter. I am lucky to see B monthly, if not more. I get to watch him grow, get pictures, spend time with D as a friend. So few have that closeness. And I treasure it. 

So, today I am at peace again. I am thankful for B's parents. And B is still where he belongs.

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