Wednesday, December 25, 2013

I need  this day to be over. I need to stop feeling this pain. It's still B's first Christmas, and I'm still not with him. The pain started to hit last night, after that picture. I never did go to sleep last night, instead just making it through the hours until I could distract myself with J and Santa. But I had to take J home and then come back to an empty house. I cried off and on a little this morning. I wanted to text D, tell them Merry Christmas, ask for a pic of B. But I couldn't, because for some irrational reason, I was angry at her, at J, and at the distance between me and B. It doesn't make sense I know, and I love them hugely. But today, I am angry. My mother called a few hours ago to say Merry Christmas, and asked if I was okay. I couldn't keep from crying as I said no, I wasn't okay. I heard the same line I seem to keep hearing today. "Remember how happy he is, the gift you gave him".

Stop saying that, it doesn't change or remove the pain! My baby is not here, and he is not mine anymore! Stop telling me to remember how happy they are and how well he is doing,because nothing will change the fact that he's gone! Why can't people understand that JUST because it was right and he's happy, my pain is real and I can't help but feel it?!

After we hung up, just as I had started to cry a little, my phone vibrated. It was D, with a pic of B and his stocking, and a wish of a Merry Christmas. Something broke. I clutched my phone and sobbed out loud into my pillow. My body shook with the force of it, and I couldn't stop. The tears flowed hot and angry down my cheeks. I cried for the baby I placed more than 2 and a half months ago. For the baby I won't raise. For the baby I long to kiss and hold, and can't. I cried until my throat hurt and my head pounded. I was thankful for the picture, and I knew she was only trying to share this day with me. I knew I would have been much more hurt if I hadn't received a pic. But for some reason, getting the picture broke my heart.

I posted a status on facebook, deciding to be honest about my pain as the tears kept flowing. And then I laid here, where I still am, hours later, in the dark. Crying, trying to rest, but only dozing here and there. Feeling more alone than I have in a long time. I need this day to be over.

I don't want this pain.

1 comment:

  1. I mourn with you, my dear BTG. I'm 22 years post relinquishment. I can honestly say that I am so glad you are feeling this pain now and expressing yourself now. I denied my grief until just a few years ago and am just now coming out on the other side of preferring that I be dead than hurting so badly. You will survive and the pain will ease. Of course that doesn't help you right this very minute. Keep writing and keep talking!!!! <3